So I fell in love with one of my best friends, but turned out to be quite horrible!
To be fair, I don’t actually know that I am/was in love with him at all. But I can certainly vouch for the horrible part.
See, we have a friendship that started a few years ago because of this blog. My blog was the catalyst for interesting discussions between the two of us, which I then wrote about. ( He was aware of this, in case you’re wondering.)
We progressed to talking about other things, some of them of a more or less personal nature.
Someone told me many times over the years that he and I would be great together in a relationship. I asked if she was crazy as “he reminds me of my brother!”
She might have wondered about the nature of my relationship with my brother, but said, “just think about it.”
I had another romantic interest or two over the years and so did he, so that wasn’t even an option. Plus I enjoyed having the freedom of being myself with him, having honest conversations, flirt a bit and get my romance elsewhere.
A few years down the road there came a turning point. The long and short of it is this… a hug or two, followed by some shaky moments – and our once easy friendship became awkward.
So I put a bit of distance between us because by now I was unattached romantically, but he still was.
And now for the disaster part…
Other women (not exactly what I call them in my head) in our circle – who knew of our close friendship and his current romantic status – started showing far to much romantic interest in him.
I tossed and turned and finally meditated on this epic disaster in the making.
Disaster for me, mind you! I was feeling things I didn’t want to feel – and one was a bit of lost respect for my friend.
And then the answer came to me – as I imagine the answer came to the biblical Abraham, Moses or Paul on the road to Damascus - but not in the form of the figurative lightening bolt or burning bush. Instead it came in the form of a mere thought.
Be honest with him as I always have been.
So I put it to him in simple terms in an e-mail no less. ”ask me out when you are single” and “behave with integrity towards the other women and your girlfriend”.
But instead of feeling relieved I felt like crap!
Mainly because I once again was able to enjoy the fun, non-romantic parts of our friendship – with only small signs of the awkwardness. But I had to still see the hurt in someone else’s face.
I want to say that I did the right thing , even if it doesn’t feel that way.
It’s all about my motives for doing what I did. And I don’t know if it was all that honourable.
I still don’t know if I am or ever was in love with him. Not that it really matters.